I know I’m supposed to be starting on my 1 Peter project, but we have to take a brief detour. As I mentioned in the last post, I memorized the book of Philippians from March through December 2018. By early summer, I was working on 2:12-13.

Therefore, my beloved, as you have always obeyed, so now, not only as in my presence but much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure.

Over the course of six months, I probably went over those verses hundreds of times.

In addition to my memorization project, I led a ladies’ Bible study through Philippians in the latter part of the year. It’s safe to say I spent a lot of time with Paul’s exhortation. Even so, reviewing the letter this week, the last four words of verse 13 struck me as if I was seeing them for the first time: for his good pleasure.

In a moment of insight, I realized that so often my tendency is not to please but to appease. Just a few letters’ difference makes a wide gulf of meaning between the two words.

Mirriam-Webster defines please as “to give pleasure or satisfaction.” To please someone I love, I might give them a gift. My little sister loves foxes, so if I see an irresistibly cute fox trinket somewhere, I would buy it for her. To bring delight to my sister—because I love her—would mean money well-spent. The gesture wouldn’t do much to change our relationship. We’re already close. Rather, it would be a visible sign of my love for her, something I hope will make her happy for no other reason than that I enjoy making her happy.

To appease, on the other hand, means “pacify, conciliate; to cause to subside.” Say I’ve had an argument with my sister and said some things I shouldn’t. She would quite naturally be hurt, and I’d want to repair the relationship. While I’m out, I see an irresistibly cute fox trinket and buy it for her. She forgives me. Our relationship is restored, but not because I’ve sincerely apologized or changed my behavior by becoming more careful with my words; I’ve simply overcome her negative emotions via a manipulative action that gives the pleasure centers in her brain a dopamine hit. There’s been no true restoration between us and no real deepening of our relationship.

Same action as before—giving my sister a gift—but with a vastly different motivation and outcome. It’s not a sign of how much I care about her and love her. It’s a sign of how scared I am of her being upset at me and how I would rather do something that seems nice on the surface to smooth over the rift between us. I’ve pacified her negative feelings. I’ve caused her anger and hurt to subside—for the time being, anyway.

Even though God isn’t like that—he cannot be manipulated—I often see him as someone I have to try and appease. I do something I think he wants me to do in an attempt to crawl back into his good graces after hurting or disappointing him again.

Paul doesn’t understand our relationship to God that way. We aren’t appeasing an angry God, trying to get him to accept us. No, his acceptance comes first. Later in Philippians, Paul talks about straining forward in the faith so he may attain resurrection. “I press on to make it my own,” he says, “because Christ Jesus has made me his own” (3:12, emphasis added).

Wesley Hill shares a helpful distinction in thinking about love and relationships in his book Spiritual Friendship. He has a different take on it, so with apologies, I’m stealing the illustration and putting my own twist on it. Here are two ways we often see/act about relationships:

• I love you because you’re mine
• You’re mine because I love you

It’s the first that describes God’s love for us. He calls us his. He has that claim on us, of course, as our Creator and Redeemer. We absolutely belong to him because we wouldn’t have life without him but also because he pursues us with a never-failing, steadfast love that’s willing to go to the cross. The second bases the belonging on the love, often on just a feeling. As long as I still love you/approve of you/am happy with how you behave, you’re mine. If you step outside of that, we’re history.

Tragically, I act and think as if God loves me and calls me his own only as long as I’m doing everything perfectly up to his standard. So I will study my Bible or try to be healthier or make sure I don’t listen to music with too much foul language because, otherwise, God will be disappointed. There’ll be a rift in our relationship until I can do something to patch it back up and redirect his disappointment and anger.

Studying my Bible, maintaining a healthy lifestyle, and filling my ears and mind with wholesome things are certainly good to do, but by motivation shouldn’t be to appease but to please. Thinking I can measure up to God’s holiness is pride (Romans 3:23-27). Instead of being motivated by pride or even fear, I should be grateful that my Creator loves me. That he redeemed me. He’s a good Father. I should return his free gift of love with free love. He has given much to delight me—salvation, freedom from sin, friends and family, music, good stories, beautiful sunsets, a glorious and majestic earth as my home, and so much more! In thanksgiving for all he’s done, I should offer gifts—my very life—but not to earn anything. He loves me because I am his. I belong. And when you belong to someone—when you love them and they love you—you find delight in bringing them joy.

So my prayer in the new year is that I will move from appeasing God to simply pleasing him because I love him and am grateful for how much he loves me. Brothers and sisters, if this is your struggle, too, join me in my prayer. There’s so much freedom to be found if we’ll just make that shift. Instead of living in fear and manipulating our way into God’s good graces, let’s be rooted and grounded in love, so that we may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that we may be filled with all the fullness of God (Ephesians 3:17-18).