In my last post I mentioned 1 Peter 1:8. Every time I recite it, it catches me. [You] rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory. Joy is such an important word to me because I lived without it so long. I was what celebrated Welsh pastor D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones referred to as a “miserable Christian”. Honestly, I still struggle with joy, and I’m sure I’m not alone. For me, part of the reason for the struggle is found in King David’s words from Psalm 51.

My sin is ever before me.

Psalm 51 is a great prayer of confession and repentance. The man after God’s own heart had broken God’s heart.

Against you, you only, have I sinned.

I recognize David’s sorrow, for it is my sorrow. And like David, I long for something more. But I’m learning I have to be careful about having my sin ever before me. My tendency is to constantly beat myself up about what I do wrong. Though I might confess and ask God to forgive me, I hold onto it. I obsess over it, nursing self-pity and wounded pride. The ugly truth is that this can be a way to avoid change. If I can keep feeling bad and being upset that I messed up, then it’s all about me and what I’ve either done or failed to do. My focus stays squarely on me.

Thing is, if I want change, if I want the inexpressible joy Peter described, I’ve got to shift my focus as David did. He was fully aware of his wrongdoing. If you recall, he’d not only committed adultery but had his lover’s husband murdered to cover it up. He was in way deep. But he trusted that he was never too deep for God to reach him.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

This mighty king, strong warrior, gifted poet who plumbed the depths of human experience and feeling realized that on his own, he was just making things worse. So he returned to God. With his focus on God and on the mercy God offers, there was no room for self-pity to take root.

Same thing for me or for any one of us. I must know that I cannot save myself, so it’s no use making myself feel bad all the time about sins past and present. I have to acknowledge the sin, yes, but then let it drive me to the throne of grace where I will be washed clean. Then, when my eyes are fixed on Christ, I can boldly say, “I have been saved! Yes, I am a new creation!”

This morning during worship at church, I sang and I prayed. I confessed for what seems the millionth time my use of food to comfort and bring joy when things in life are hard. I asked for God’s forgiveness, believing that he delights to give it. That he loves to save his children.

And I prayed for joy. I prayed that I would always acknowledge his great kindness. That as I walk alongside him in repentance, turning from my sin as it relates to food, I would be able to tell others about his goodness to me. I asked that my joy would be rooted in the salvation he gave me. That’s the joy Peter talked about. In context, it’s rooted not in transitory circumstances but in God’s gift of salvation through Christ.

Why am I sharing all this? Well, when I started to conceive the idea for this post and wrote a few hasty notes, the line “My sin is ever before me” came to mind. Sitting down to write the post today, I couldn’t remember where the phrase came from, so I googled it, found the psalm, and read the whole thing through for context.

I laughed when I read verse 12.

Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit.

I kept reading.

Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, O God of my salvation, and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness. O Lord, open my lips, and my mouth will declare your praise.

These were all echoes of what I prayed this morning. Rather, what I prayed was an echo of something much older, for it was merely Psalm 51 in different words (Romans 8:26-27). For days, this has been stirring as Peter’s words tugged at me. Joy that is inexpressible. The joy of your salvation. There it was in both passages, from old covenant to new. How could I not share? It’s both exhilarating and humbling when God stirs something in you and uses his Word to speak.

Let this be an encouragement to you. Make time for God. Keep your eyes on Christ. If something is stirring, keep seeking. What might He be speaking over you that you just haven’t realized yet?

God has been speaking joy over me. It’s time I listened.